time + change = time for a change?

just a few thoughts tonight, as i have a loooong day in store for me tomorrow and the alarm clock will sound way too early. the life of a transactionista is filled with memos and document comments. at least mine will be so tomorrow.

TIME. i never have enough. and not in a 'time is fleeting' or 'gather ye rosebuds' kind of way. i mean in a practical, 'there just aren't enough hours in the day' way. but here's the thing: i have no good reason as to why i don't have enough time. i don't have a kid. (thank goodness; no offense to any moms.) i am not involved in any civic activities. (although i probably should be.) unfortunately right now i do not have any hobbies. i don't talk on the phone that much. i don't walk the dog. i don't go to the gym or exercise. i don't go to the grocery store. i don't spend much time at salons or getting pedicures. hell, i don't even cook anymore. i don't have to fight the morning traffic now that i take the Metro to work! but every night, i am drained to the point of exhaustion. i want to just sit, and waste whatever time that i have.

what is wrong with this picture? lots, i think. and perhaps not so much the what, is the WHY that bothers me. i seem to remember, or i have recreated in my memory, that i was once an energetic, organized, productive kind of gal. note that every time i romanticize the 'once upon a time' me, The Hubs gently reminds me that certain realities like law school, the resulting high pressure job that going to law school requires in order to pay off the law school debt, and other grown up responsibilities, were non-issues in my college glory days of enthusiastic accomplishment. these days, i dream about cooking that elegant and healthy meal for the two of us, but leave the details to the cookbooks. or better yet, reservations.

in addition to the fact that i know other people out there with the same, if not more - no, LOTS more, responsibilities run circles around my pitiful little daily routine.

which brings up the other thing, CHANGE. another difficult concept for me to fully integrate. oh sure, i can drag The Hubs and The Pete hundreds of miles away from family and friends, sell our first house, move to a place where we know no one, and that's all just part of life. but getting my lazy butt out of bed to take The Pete for a walk? or really, truly taking my lunch rather than giving in to the handy deli downstairs? or, my favorite, doing those small but significant things which can result in a healthier mind and body? now those are changes that i just can't seem to adopt.

again, i am stuck on the why. i have even resorted in recent days to blaming this all on the fact that Pisces are notoriously lazy souls. seriously.

but we are also optimistic. maybe by setting aside just a few minutes every few days to verbalize these thoughts, if to no one else but myself captured here in the blogosphere, i can start to make more of this time that i think i don't have. and perhaps the changes will come.

there is only one way to find out...